53 - Ask Rayray: Boundaries, People-Pleasing, & Communication Tools with Jessica Benstock
Is it time to set some boundaries? People-pleasing can be dangerous and depleting for a coach. Listen in as Jessica Benstock shares the best ways to set boundaries so you can avoid burnout, serve others (and yourself!) at the highest level, and experience total freedom.
“Your energy is always on so you have to have self-mastery.”
– Jessica Benstock
In this episode, Jessica unveils the framework for setting a boundary in a clear, respectful, and kind way with anyone. You’ll learn how to recover from the guilt hangover that can sometimes come after crystal-clear communication and what to do if your boundary gets crossed. She’ll also share how to navigate boundaries in the friend-client dynamic, how to make sure they understand your different “modes,” and why honoring yourself and your needs must always come first.
Here’s a glance at what you’ll learn from Jessica in this episode:
How to interface the practical and spiritual realms.
The role of intuition in entrepreneurship.
What a boundary is and how to make one.
The FRAMEWORK for setting a boundary.
How to recover from a GUILT hangover.
What to do when your boundary is CROSSED – a second time.
How to navigate boundaries with friend-clients.
When to be vulnerable and when to draw the line.
Show Notes
00:30 – Introducing Jessica Benstock and today’s topics.
05:40 – Who Jess is, what she does, and how she has claimed her space in the world.
08:45 – Entrepreneurs constantly create and need more discernment and development.
09:50 – Spiritual development is critical for entrepreneurs – it’s a constant feedback.
12:30 – What a boundary is and when it’s time to make one.
13:05 – A boundary maintains your structural integrity and fortifies your life.
18:10 – How to process the decision to make boundaries.
19:30 – You’ll act out the boundary in a different way if you don’t communicate it.
20:25 – Get clear on what doesn’t feel good and what you want.
21:35 – An example of how to express what you want through a boundary.
22:50 – People-pleasing is a defense mechanism.
25:30 – The nice coach vs. the supreme coach.
26:15 – The difference between mushy love and real love.
28:10 – The meaning of instruction notices and how they relate to our wound.
29:25 – The framework for setting a boundary:
30:00 – Step 1: Understand the symptom of needing a boundary, listen to it, and ask what you need.
30:45 – Step 2: Clarify what you want and need and speak it directly to other people.
31:35 – Step 3: Clarify what you need to say and what you need to ask for.
32:00 – Step 4: Communicate, consider context, and convey what’s off, what you take responsibility, and what you want and need.
33:55 – Guilt hangovers and the risks of setting boundaries; sit with the emotion instead of reacting or beat yourself up.
37:15 – We need each other; show up for yourself and lean on those you can trust while you reprogram conditionings.
40:25 – On trust, integrity, and how you show up when your shadow is showing.
43:25 – On getting your boundary crossed again and what to do about it.
46:10 – Boundaries with friend-clients: Have a clear “mode” when you are working.
48:30 – On reclarifying the container of client and practitioner with friends.
54:00 – Create boundaries around conversations that trigger you that bring out a tone.
57:30 – Boundaries are a way to practice choice, which provides freedom.
59:00 – Ask for what you want – aloud!
01:06:15 – Boundaries on what to share and what not to share.
01:09:00 – Vulnerability hangovers and discerning when to share what and when.
01:14:15 – Don’t share vulnerabilities to perform, but rather to touch and inspire.
01:15:00 – Honor yourself by going inside and sharing what feels good.
01:19:30 – The Boundaries Masterclass and Jessica’s Instagram.
“The more you practice boundaries, the less you have to speak them.”
– Jessica Benstock
